Ready for Change

I feel that my life is stagnant currently. This routine that I have developed is sickening, and I want to encourage change. I need to feng shui my life. The new apartment was a great beginning to that, and now I think that I just have to embrace the patience that will be required before serious change occurs in my life.

 In general I want to be happy, not all day everyday (but EVERY day). I know that much of that is based on my attitude and perceptions, but I just feel that a huge part of that will be enjoying the environments that I place myself in. 

In a perfect world I want to be able to maintain the sanctity of my home ( as corny as that sounds). When I was living the dorm life I pretty much had an open door policy; if I was there, then I didn't mind seeing people or hanging out. At the time, I liked to believe that just having random visitors was good for me because it would force me to be more spontaneous and would help to cheer my up on days when I was feeling less than great. That is not the case anymore.  Even though I did enjoy that at the time, there were plenty of times when I felt paranoid about the level of privacy that I was able to experience. Not to mention I continuously thought about all the time spent in that one when considering my failed relationship efforts.

Now I am of the mindset that I don't want people to be around me when I am home because I feel that I can relax here, which I did not always feel that I could do in the dorm.  I just want to make sure that I am able to keep that feeling more often than not. I don't want to just have random people over all the time because I like the feel of my apartment. Knowing that I can come home and just veg out is very very comforting, and I don't want to ruin my ability to experience calm here by playing host to a variety of people constantly.

I'm honestly more worried about how I'm going to feel after hosting my ex-flame here. Every fiber of my being is telling me that it will be a bad idea; nothing good can come of it. But a tiny part of me is thinking that hey, maybe it will work out and he will magically want a relationship (more than likely not, let's be serious). I don't understand how I can be sooooo ridiculously optimistic (borderline unrealistic) about my expectations for relationships, but approach every other part of my life with an overdose of healthy skepticism and pragmatism. He makes me just so darn happy, that I don't want to reject myself that feeling because who knows when the next time that I feel that way will be. Is it so wrong to want to just enjoy myself for one night:? No, but I need to maintain the mindset that I should have; mantra stating "no matter how good this may be, it's not real."

I think about him a lot, and I just feel like until I get this last meeting out of the way that there will be no closure. It's gonna be some time before I can forget about everything that happened. I wish sometimes that I could forget those parts of my life, just to be able to really enjoy myself for one day. I want someone that makes me forget about all of them.
Oh well, such is life.