Addictions.

So today I have discovered that I have a terrible addiction; to being overly critical of myself. I constantly find myself comparing the happenings in my life to what I see of the lives of others. I always feel the need to be more and do more than what I have done already. I feel like I need to become more worldly ( I have never been to a foreign country), I need to be more patient, I need to have a life outside school, I need to have a big girl job outside the realm of school, I need to be financially secure for more than a month at a time, I need to be able to support myself in a way that I am comfortable with, I need to better maintain my friendships;  in essence get my stuff together. However, as I was talking with my mom about all of this, I realized that all of this is in my head; NO ONE sees me the same way that I see myself. I know that it is important to want more for yourself and be able to plan how to achieve that level of satisfaction, but when does that turn into paranoia about not being good enough.

I think that a lot of my critical nature comes from being teased as a child. People always questioned why I was so openly intelligent, why I chose to do well in school, why I didn't wear ethnicity appropriate clothing or hang out with those of my own race as opposed to those of other races. I was basically belittled to a point that I felt like I had to prove something to all those people and to myself as well. I don't think that I ever really let any of that go, and so it still travels with me.

I do wonder why people choose to be my friend sometime, and what people see in me that makes them want to get to know me. I don't think that I am a bad friend, but I don't think that I am the best friend that I can be. I just wonder what makes people want to be around me constantly outside boredom or loneliness.  I also wonder why I choose to be alone much of the time. I don't feel that I am the type of person who thrives on being around people, so I just don't understand why that quality attracts people.  I think I can be really fun sometimes, but I can also be really mean and I think that some people just accept that in me (thankfully).

It is in the times that I have too much time to think that I begin to feel this insecure. I need to start keeping a mental note of times when I start to feel like this so that I can try to avoid those situations. I need to be happy with what I have as opposed to concerned with the lives of others. Even though I know this, I do it anyway. I'm ready to find myself and settle into a life that while still spontaneous has some routine to it. I like having the freedom to do as I please, but sometimes I just need something different.