It Comes to Light

So apparently I made the right decision to end my semi-relationship type of thing with my ex-flame. He's just another frat boy =(. In trying to analyze the reality of that relationship, I think that the physical part of it was more important to him, regardless of what he says. However, I was so eager to believe him when he said it wasn't because I was so emotionally starved that I was ready to settle for anything. He just happened to come along at a time when I was HIGHLY vulnerable to anyone that even paid me more than a morsel of attention. At the time, I was convinced that he was my ticket out of the depression and into a new phase of healthy relationships. For a time (three months, since that seems to be my expiration date with males as of the past few years) everything was great, but things changed. I didn't want to accept that change and I fell back into patterns of trying to ignore the change as much as possible and just roll with it; mostly in my efforts to not have to readjust my life. Now I am finding that had I done that earlier, I would be feeling much differently about the situation.  I don't know how long it is going to take me to feel better about all of this, but hopefully it's sooner than later. Hopefully, I will become so busy that I won't even have time to think about it.

I know that I shouldn't give thoughts of all of this so much energy, but to say that he wasn't an important part of my life is wrong. I think he was placed solely in my life to show me that after things with two exes ago I was able to trust someone again. I think this more solidifies the move of me into a different phase of my life. I am currently boy-free and I think it will be best to remain that way. I have no serious prospects that propose a total package equivalent to what I want.

I WILL NOT SETTLE ANYMORE FOR LESS THAN WHAT I WANT!

 
I'm over accepting less to feel wanted by someone. I will not continue to go through heartbreak after heartbreak with people that I know aren't good for me. Completely over it. All the way. Ever since I lost my first boyfriend (with faults of my own), I have been obsessed with finding someone who loved me as much as he did. In looking for that, I have found mere shadows of the man that my first boyfriend was. He wasn't perfect, but the worst that he ever did was ignore me to play video games. At the time it seemed like the world was ending, but put into perspective that was nothing. Amidst psychological manipulation and torture, lies, promiscuity, and just down right recklessness, he was a dream. I was silly to think otherwise. Even though he wasn't at a good point in his life for a relationship, I could have been there to help him through all the hardships he faced. The great thing about him is that he instantly knew that he wanted to be with me. There was no sign of hesitancy on his part. I often feel that I am a difficult person to accept so I want people to be sure they know what they are getting when they sign up to be with me in anyway, and he handled all of it beautifully.

I will find that type of man again someday.

Embracing Change

So it's really simple. If I can embrace change in my favorite television shows, which tend to add drama and more excitement, then I can embrace it in my life.

Bring it on change.

Elevation of Mind, Body, & Spirit

Dun-Dun-Dun...
I had the final escapade with my latest relationship failure. The sense of finality of it all at first overwhelmed me. However, after spending time really reevaluating everything that happened between us in the past few months, I decided that it was a necessary step to be taken. Even though I saw in him a potential partner, that was not the case in his eyes. He didn't openly treat me poorly, but he did treat me poorly nonetheless. I told myself that when I found a new relationship I wanted honesty and respect first and foremost; that was not what I got. Had he been truly someone respectful, he would have told me (without me having to ask) that he didn't want a relationship with me. However, I'm guessing that he was so scared at the prospect of losing me in other ways that he didn't want to tell me. That is the sign of a coward, not something that I want. I want someone who will truly be honest with me, even too honest at times. I need someone who truly appreciates me and respect me enough to know that if he doesn't want to be with me, then saying that early on is the best bet. I know this takes time, and everything that has happened, has made me realize that while I may be ready for it, most guys my age aren't.
So patient I will be.

In other news, my ex-flame is now apparently moving back to town. How exciting!! Except not really. It's like I get rid of one in a good manner, with some sort of closure; then I get another one on my back. While yes I can admit that I am probably overreacting, it still is unsettling.

In other news, I am now completing this huge transition. I have begun my new job, my room is semi-starting to come together, I have entered a man-free period in my life; the only thing left for me to do is start school.

I keep finding that I am always a part of young organizations; especially at my new position with the Honors College. I feel as if this is my calling in life. I am always involved in the major shaping of some type of organization, and that to me is really inspiring (maybe stating that those are the type of positions I seek out for myself subconsciously). I just wonder what that signifies for my future as far as a potential position goes.

I think that this time signifies a time for me to embrace relaxation. I do still want to be involved with my chapter, with extracurriculars in school, and in school, but nowhere near the point that I was during undergrad. While yes my resume is impressive, I want to allow myself to have more me time.

So I Have Been Thinking and Reading

There are many a time when I get inspiration on things to write from other blogs and today in reading the  Guinea Pig of Love Blog by Julia Allison I have discovered that I have invited into my life the bad relationships that I have had.

While I have never had what I or Patti Stanger would term a serious relationship, I have had romantic relationships with men that have been unhealthy for the most part. Julia says that from her experiences, she has learned that what you truly think of yourself is the type of person you subconsciously seek out to be a mate.

My best example of this phenomenon occurred my sophomore/junior years of college. I was stuck in this pattern of appearing perfect. I wanted everything to think I completely had my life together, and that I was the girl to be. I wanted people to think that I had not only perfect material items, but also perfect grades, perfect morals/beliefs/ perfect friends (perfect everything). Therefore, the type of man that entered my life at that time expected me to live up to that image of perfection that I was trying so desperately to portray. He made me feel as if nothing that I could ever do was good enough because there was always something more. There was always another hurdle to be jump, another day to be conquered. He pushed me to that. I was so stuck on him doing this to me that I never realized that damage that I did to myself by thinking in such unhealthy and impossible patterns.

It is really like an addiction (as I have talked about before). I can't honestly believe that I have let myself fall into this pattern of wanting to conform to this perceived perfection that no one has, but everyone wants.

I want to get back to the place where I am focused on myself, but in a way that promotes self-growth and praise for what I have already accomplished. Once I fall into a pattern of loving myself more, I will find someone that is able to do the same for me.

Patience

I apologize for the stream of conscious-like feel to this post. I have a lot on my mind, but none of it really goes together. So here goes...

I want so badly to be done with decorating my room. I wish it was finished. I absolutely am ready to achieve some sort of stability in my life that will allow me to do the things that I want to do to decorate.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Also, I need to become more crafty.

On another note, I have rediscovered my love for Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong radio on Pandora. It's one of the many things that helps to calm me nowadays. However, it makes me think of a time in the future when I am at home in my new apartment (living alone) drinking herbal tea ignoring the television and surfing the internet for new aesthetic obsessions. I see myself in an over-sized sweater and blanket nearby. I have cupcakes baking in the oven and the room I am in is slate gray with yellow accessories. I imagine myself wearing a pair of snazzy glasses and waiting for my significant other to come home from wherever he is. This picture to me SCREAMS comfort. This is what I want. I realize that it will more than likely take me a long time to get to that point where I'm completely comfortable, and I have no option but to wait for it. (I would like to just say that I don't even drink herbal tea, but it seems like something people do when they are relaxing).

This is my happy place. This is where I will go anytime that I am beginning to feel stressed or out of control
I very much dislike not being in control of situations and I need to let go of that. While I can not control the situation, I can control when I will go to my happy place.  Basically, I need to live in my happy place at this point in time.

In the realm of relationships, I am having issues. I have yet to have my last escapade with my most recent male suitor, and it is affecting me. I'm getting sucked back into my feelings for him. I don't like it because it will get me NOWHERE! At the same time I'm so emotionally starved that I am willing to settle for remnants of a relationship that will ultimately go nowhere. I am allowing myself to go back into this for a night because I still have unanswered questions about everything; about why it ended so abruptly, about why he wants to continue having any sort of relationship that doesn't involve the title of boyfriend or girlfriend. However, I don't even honestly know if it will come up or not. I don't know if I will be able to question him about it. I don't want to ruin the time that we will have (because we always have a good time), but I won't be able to find peace with the issue until we have talked about it. I need to be honest with myself and my feelings, and honestly, in order for me to feel better, I need to get all of my feelings off my chest.

Design Time (Hopefully on a Dime)

So as you all know, I have just recently entered into the real world of adulthood by choosing to live in an apt. Throughout the entire process I have been in the process of trying to decide how I want to decorate my room. Needless to say, I have changed my mind about 5 million times and I have still really yet to settle on anything definite. I want something with a nice, homey feel; but I also want it to be chic with clean lines.  The best part is that I don't need much furniture. I just need to button down the actual decor that I want, and have money to create this homey, yet chic look. After scrounging around pinterest and hgtv I have come up with these as my inspiration photos.

This last picture is my favorite and will serve as the main inspiration for my room. I want to have the bright feel during the day, but a nice sultry feel during the evening time that will enable me to sleep better.

I guess I feel the need to explain that my bedroom is pretty small (10 x 13) so the items that I choose to surround myself with must serve a purpose; I will leave the purely decorative items to the walls. Also, I want to make sure that the items in my room are conducive to a relaxing feel. Having lived in a dorm room for the past four years not only have I been confined to sharing a room with someone else, but also my space has had to serve multiple purposes. Now that I have the luxury of living in an apartment, I can afford to leave my bedroom space for pure R & R.

I want something, pretty that makes me feel comfortable and happy to come home to. I want to feel that this room is my safe haven from the outside world. Also, I want to be able to enjoy the spilling of natural sunlight on my face in the morning from my window.

No More Panera

So today is pretty momentous for me; it is my second to last week working with Panera Bread Company. To date, I have worked there for 5 years, and 3 days short of four months. Needless to say I have spent a significant portion of my life there, and I have done a lot of growing there. Being that it has been my only paying job up until this point in time, I am kinda nervous to move past it. However, I'm more excited than anything because I truly feel ready to immerse myself in a more positive work environment that will enable me to gain training in a field that I want to spend the rest of my life working in.

I feel like graduate school is going to be my big transforming phase. Undergrad definitely set all of this in motion, but being able to see all the changes that I want to embrace come to fruition is very satisfying. I have successfully, moved into my own apartment, been able to pay all my bills on time, secured a new occupation, been admitted to graduate school, and successfully found some sense of peace in my life. Now I just have to make sure that everything stays this way or even gets better, and I will be more than satisfied with life.