Patience

I apologize for the stream of conscious-like feel to this post. I have a lot on my mind, but none of it really goes together. So here goes...

I want so badly to be done with decorating my room. I wish it was finished. I absolutely am ready to achieve some sort of stability in my life that will allow me to do the things that I want to do to decorate.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Also, I need to become more crafty.

On another note, I have rediscovered my love for Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong radio on Pandora. It's one of the many things that helps to calm me nowadays. However, it makes me think of a time in the future when I am at home in my new apartment (living alone) drinking herbal tea ignoring the television and surfing the internet for new aesthetic obsessions. I see myself in an over-sized sweater and blanket nearby. I have cupcakes baking in the oven and the room I am in is slate gray with yellow accessories. I imagine myself wearing a pair of snazzy glasses and waiting for my significant other to come home from wherever he is. This picture to me SCREAMS comfort. This is what I want. I realize that it will more than likely take me a long time to get to that point where I'm completely comfortable, and I have no option but to wait for it. (I would like to just say that I don't even drink herbal tea, but it seems like something people do when they are relaxing).

This is my happy place. This is where I will go anytime that I am beginning to feel stressed or out of control
I very much dislike not being in control of situations and I need to let go of that. While I can not control the situation, I can control when I will go to my happy place.  Basically, I need to live in my happy place at this point in time.

In the realm of relationships, I am having issues. I have yet to have my last escapade with my most recent male suitor, and it is affecting me. I'm getting sucked back into my feelings for him. I don't like it because it will get me NOWHERE! At the same time I'm so emotionally starved that I am willing to settle for remnants of a relationship that will ultimately go nowhere. I am allowing myself to go back into this for a night because I still have unanswered questions about everything; about why it ended so abruptly, about why he wants to continue having any sort of relationship that doesn't involve the title of boyfriend or girlfriend. However, I don't even honestly know if it will come up or not. I don't know if I will be able to question him about it. I don't want to ruin the time that we will have (because we always have a good time), but I won't be able to find peace with the issue until we have talked about it. I need to be honest with myself and my feelings, and honestly, in order for me to feel better, I need to get all of my feelings off my chest.