Don't Box Me In

"Dont be monogamous until someone asks you to be monogamous."

I am the queen of breaking this rule. I have generally followed the if I'm talking to you, then I'm ONLY talking to you rule. WHY???  When I was an undergrad I was supper busy and I didn't really make time for more than one guy in my life. I could have, but I didn't place the right amount of importance on it that I should have in order to be taken seriously. Therefore, I fell into this pattern of finding one guy per year (except for the same guy sophomore and junior year) and letting him pretty much control the path our relationship took because I gave him the power. He (whoever he was at the time) was more than likely always involved with another girl (or multiple girls) in some way. I was of the belief that I am talking to one person, then I should just be as serious with that person as possible so that if there was potential for it to become serious I would be ready for that.

This is the root of my relationship woes, along with not knowing exactly what I want, not being able to fully express myself tactfully, not being able to let myself be vulnerable enough to allow myself to rely on a  man in the ways that I need to.

I have always wanted to find the sanctity of a relationship to add to my life. However, at this point in my life, I don't think that I am particularly ready to be in one quite yet. I still have the luxury of being able to decide how I want a relationship to fit into my life because let's be honest I need to figure that part out first. I don't have any kind of routine at this point in my life and I'm trying to throw getting to know someone into that mix. NOT OKAY! I need to stop and take a break. I try so hard to always fit this mold that I think I'm supposed to be in.

I used to think that at 21 I should:
1) Be happily engaged or in a relationship leading to that
2) Have graduate college and be either attending graduate school or getting my first big girl job
3) Have a perfect body, perfect hair, perfect friends
Basically have my s*** figured out and perfected. I don't know what brand of crack I was smoking when I was younger, but there is no way in the world that anyone at 21 has this all figured out.  You would think from all the TV that I have watched that I would realize that it's okay to fail at some things in my twenties (early twenties at that). It's okay to not have everything figured out; I mean Carrie Bradshaw was in her 40s before she got it together.

So essentially, I need to give myself a break. I need to just be okay with where I am. I have the rest of my life to spend pleasing someone in a relationship. I need to work on my relationship with myself first.
Because right now, it's kinda all about me.