There are many a time when I get inspiration on things to write from other blogs and today in reading the Guinea Pig of Love Blog by Julia Allison I have discovered that I have invited into my life the bad relationships that I have had.
While I have never had what I or Patti Stanger would term a serious relationship, I have had romantic relationships with men that have been unhealthy for the most part. Julia says that from her experiences, she has learned that what you truly think of yourself is the type of person you subconsciously seek out to be a mate.
My best example of this phenomenon occurred my sophomore/junior years of college. I was stuck in this pattern of appearing perfect. I wanted everything to think I completely had my life together, and that I was the girl to be. I wanted people to think that I had not only perfect material items, but also perfect grades, perfect morals/beliefs/ perfect friends (perfect everything). Therefore, the type of man that entered my life at that time expected me to live up to that image of perfection that I was trying so desperately to portray. He made me feel as if nothing that I could ever do was good enough because there was always something more. There was always another hurdle to be jump, another day to be conquered. He pushed me to that. I was so stuck on him doing this to me that I never realized that damage that I did to myself by thinking in such unhealthy and impossible patterns.
It is really like an addiction (as I have talked about before). I can't honestly believe that I have let myself fall into this pattern of wanting to conform to this perceived perfection that no one has, but everyone wants.
I want to get back to the place where I am focused on myself, but in a way that promotes self-growth and praise for what I have already accomplished. Once I fall into a pattern of loving myself more, I will find someone that is able to do the same for me.
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