It Comes to Light

So apparently I made the right decision to end my semi-relationship type of thing with my ex-flame. He's just another frat boy =(. In trying to analyze the reality of that relationship, I think that the physical part of it was more important to him, regardless of what he says. However, I was so eager to believe him when he said it wasn't because I was so emotionally starved that I was ready to settle for anything. He just happened to come along at a time when I was HIGHLY vulnerable to anyone that even paid me more than a morsel of attention. At the time, I was convinced that he was my ticket out of the depression and into a new phase of healthy relationships. For a time (three months, since that seems to be my expiration date with males as of the past few years) everything was great, but things changed. I didn't want to accept that change and I fell back into patterns of trying to ignore the change as much as possible and just roll with it; mostly in my efforts to not have to readjust my life. Now I am finding that had I done that earlier, I would be feeling much differently about the situation.  I don't know how long it is going to take me to feel better about all of this, but hopefully it's sooner than later. Hopefully, I will become so busy that I won't even have time to think about it.

I know that I shouldn't give thoughts of all of this so much energy, but to say that he wasn't an important part of my life is wrong. I think he was placed solely in my life to show me that after things with two exes ago I was able to trust someone again. I think this more solidifies the move of me into a different phase of my life. I am currently boy-free and I think it will be best to remain that way. I have no serious prospects that propose a total package equivalent to what I want.

I WILL NOT SETTLE ANYMORE FOR LESS THAN WHAT I WANT!

 
I'm over accepting less to feel wanted by someone. I will not continue to go through heartbreak after heartbreak with people that I know aren't good for me. Completely over it. All the way. Ever since I lost my first boyfriend (with faults of my own), I have been obsessed with finding someone who loved me as much as he did. In looking for that, I have found mere shadows of the man that my first boyfriend was. He wasn't perfect, but the worst that he ever did was ignore me to play video games. At the time it seemed like the world was ending, but put into perspective that was nothing. Amidst psychological manipulation and torture, lies, promiscuity, and just down right recklessness, he was a dream. I was silly to think otherwise. Even though he wasn't at a good point in his life for a relationship, I could have been there to help him through all the hardships he faced. The great thing about him is that he instantly knew that he wanted to be with me. There was no sign of hesitancy on his part. I often feel that I am a difficult person to accept so I want people to be sure they know what they are getting when they sign up to be with me in anyway, and he handled all of it beautifully.

I will find that type of man again someday.