It Comes to Light

So apparently I made the right decision to end my semi-relationship type of thing with my ex-flame. He's just another frat boy =(. In trying to analyze the reality of that relationship, I think that the physical part of it was more important to him, regardless of what he says. However, I was so eager to believe him when he said it wasn't because I was so emotionally starved that I was ready to settle for anything. He just happened to come along at a time when I was HIGHLY vulnerable to anyone that even paid me more than a morsel of attention. At the time, I was convinced that he was my ticket out of the depression and into a new phase of healthy relationships. For a time (three months, since that seems to be my expiration date with males as of the past few years) everything was great, but things changed. I didn't want to accept that change and I fell back into patterns of trying to ignore the change as much as possible and just roll with it; mostly in my efforts to not have to readjust my life. Now I am finding that had I done that earlier, I would be feeling much differently about the situation.  I don't know how long it is going to take me to feel better about all of this, but hopefully it's sooner than later. Hopefully, I will become so busy that I won't even have time to think about it.

I know that I shouldn't give thoughts of all of this so much energy, but to say that he wasn't an important part of my life is wrong. I think he was placed solely in my life to show me that after things with two exes ago I was able to trust someone again. I think this more solidifies the move of me into a different phase of my life. I am currently boy-free and I think it will be best to remain that way. I have no serious prospects that propose a total package equivalent to what I want.

I WILL NOT SETTLE ANYMORE FOR LESS THAN WHAT I WANT!

 
I'm over accepting less to feel wanted by someone. I will not continue to go through heartbreak after heartbreak with people that I know aren't good for me. Completely over it. All the way. Ever since I lost my first boyfriend (with faults of my own), I have been obsessed with finding someone who loved me as much as he did. In looking for that, I have found mere shadows of the man that my first boyfriend was. He wasn't perfect, but the worst that he ever did was ignore me to play video games. At the time it seemed like the world was ending, but put into perspective that was nothing. Amidst psychological manipulation and torture, lies, promiscuity, and just down right recklessness, he was a dream. I was silly to think otherwise. Even though he wasn't at a good point in his life for a relationship, I could have been there to help him through all the hardships he faced. The great thing about him is that he instantly knew that he wanted to be with me. There was no sign of hesitancy on his part. I often feel that I am a difficult person to accept so I want people to be sure they know what they are getting when they sign up to be with me in anyway, and he handled all of it beautifully.

I will find that type of man again someday.

Embracing Change

So it's really simple. If I can embrace change in my favorite television shows, which tend to add drama and more excitement, then I can embrace it in my life.

Bring it on change.

Elevation of Mind, Body, & Spirit

Dun-Dun-Dun...
I had the final escapade with my latest relationship failure. The sense of finality of it all at first overwhelmed me. However, after spending time really reevaluating everything that happened between us in the past few months, I decided that it was a necessary step to be taken. Even though I saw in him a potential partner, that was not the case in his eyes. He didn't openly treat me poorly, but he did treat me poorly nonetheless. I told myself that when I found a new relationship I wanted honesty and respect first and foremost; that was not what I got. Had he been truly someone respectful, he would have told me (without me having to ask) that he didn't want a relationship with me. However, I'm guessing that he was so scared at the prospect of losing me in other ways that he didn't want to tell me. That is the sign of a coward, not something that I want. I want someone who will truly be honest with me, even too honest at times. I need someone who truly appreciates me and respect me enough to know that if he doesn't want to be with me, then saying that early on is the best bet. I know this takes time, and everything that has happened, has made me realize that while I may be ready for it, most guys my age aren't.
So patient I will be.

In other news, my ex-flame is now apparently moving back to town. How exciting!! Except not really. It's like I get rid of one in a good manner, with some sort of closure; then I get another one on my back. While yes I can admit that I am probably overreacting, it still is unsettling.

In other news, I am now completing this huge transition. I have begun my new job, my room is semi-starting to come together, I have entered a man-free period in my life; the only thing left for me to do is start school.

I keep finding that I am always a part of young organizations; especially at my new position with the Honors College. I feel as if this is my calling in life. I am always involved in the major shaping of some type of organization, and that to me is really inspiring (maybe stating that those are the type of positions I seek out for myself subconsciously). I just wonder what that signifies for my future as far as a potential position goes.

I think that this time signifies a time for me to embrace relaxation. I do still want to be involved with my chapter, with extracurriculars in school, and in school, but nowhere near the point that I was during undergrad. While yes my resume is impressive, I want to allow myself to have more me time.

So I Have Been Thinking and Reading

There are many a time when I get inspiration on things to write from other blogs and today in reading the  Guinea Pig of Love Blog by Julia Allison I have discovered that I have invited into my life the bad relationships that I have had.

While I have never had what I or Patti Stanger would term a serious relationship, I have had romantic relationships with men that have been unhealthy for the most part. Julia says that from her experiences, she has learned that what you truly think of yourself is the type of person you subconsciously seek out to be a mate.

My best example of this phenomenon occurred my sophomore/junior years of college. I was stuck in this pattern of appearing perfect. I wanted everything to think I completely had my life together, and that I was the girl to be. I wanted people to think that I had not only perfect material items, but also perfect grades, perfect morals/beliefs/ perfect friends (perfect everything). Therefore, the type of man that entered my life at that time expected me to live up to that image of perfection that I was trying so desperately to portray. He made me feel as if nothing that I could ever do was good enough because there was always something more. There was always another hurdle to be jump, another day to be conquered. He pushed me to that. I was so stuck on him doing this to me that I never realized that damage that I did to myself by thinking in such unhealthy and impossible patterns.

It is really like an addiction (as I have talked about before). I can't honestly believe that I have let myself fall into this pattern of wanting to conform to this perceived perfection that no one has, but everyone wants.

I want to get back to the place where I am focused on myself, but in a way that promotes self-growth and praise for what I have already accomplished. Once I fall into a pattern of loving myself more, I will find someone that is able to do the same for me.

Patience

I apologize for the stream of conscious-like feel to this post. I have a lot on my mind, but none of it really goes together. So here goes...

I want so badly to be done with decorating my room. I wish it was finished. I absolutely am ready to achieve some sort of stability in my life that will allow me to do the things that I want to do to decorate.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Also, I need to become more crafty.

On another note, I have rediscovered my love for Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong radio on Pandora. It's one of the many things that helps to calm me nowadays. However, it makes me think of a time in the future when I am at home in my new apartment (living alone) drinking herbal tea ignoring the television and surfing the internet for new aesthetic obsessions. I see myself in an over-sized sweater and blanket nearby. I have cupcakes baking in the oven and the room I am in is slate gray with yellow accessories. I imagine myself wearing a pair of snazzy glasses and waiting for my significant other to come home from wherever he is. This picture to me SCREAMS comfort. This is what I want. I realize that it will more than likely take me a long time to get to that point where I'm completely comfortable, and I have no option but to wait for it. (I would like to just say that I don't even drink herbal tea, but it seems like something people do when they are relaxing).

This is my happy place. This is where I will go anytime that I am beginning to feel stressed or out of control
I very much dislike not being in control of situations and I need to let go of that. While I can not control the situation, I can control when I will go to my happy place.  Basically, I need to live in my happy place at this point in time.

In the realm of relationships, I am having issues. I have yet to have my last escapade with my most recent male suitor, and it is affecting me. I'm getting sucked back into my feelings for him. I don't like it because it will get me NOWHERE! At the same time I'm so emotionally starved that I am willing to settle for remnants of a relationship that will ultimately go nowhere. I am allowing myself to go back into this for a night because I still have unanswered questions about everything; about why it ended so abruptly, about why he wants to continue having any sort of relationship that doesn't involve the title of boyfriend or girlfriend. However, I don't even honestly know if it will come up or not. I don't know if I will be able to question him about it. I don't want to ruin the time that we will have (because we always have a good time), but I won't be able to find peace with the issue until we have talked about it. I need to be honest with myself and my feelings, and honestly, in order for me to feel better, I need to get all of my feelings off my chest.

Design Time (Hopefully on a Dime)

So as you all know, I have just recently entered into the real world of adulthood by choosing to live in an apt. Throughout the entire process I have been in the process of trying to decide how I want to decorate my room. Needless to say, I have changed my mind about 5 million times and I have still really yet to settle on anything definite. I want something with a nice, homey feel; but I also want it to be chic with clean lines.  The best part is that I don't need much furniture. I just need to button down the actual decor that I want, and have money to create this homey, yet chic look. After scrounging around pinterest and hgtv I have come up with these as my inspiration photos.

This last picture is my favorite and will serve as the main inspiration for my room. I want to have the bright feel during the day, but a nice sultry feel during the evening time that will enable me to sleep better.

I guess I feel the need to explain that my bedroom is pretty small (10 x 13) so the items that I choose to surround myself with must serve a purpose; I will leave the purely decorative items to the walls. Also, I want to make sure that the items in my room are conducive to a relaxing feel. Having lived in a dorm room for the past four years not only have I been confined to sharing a room with someone else, but also my space has had to serve multiple purposes. Now that I have the luxury of living in an apartment, I can afford to leave my bedroom space for pure R & R.

I want something, pretty that makes me feel comfortable and happy to come home to. I want to feel that this room is my safe haven from the outside world. Also, I want to be able to enjoy the spilling of natural sunlight on my face in the morning from my window.

No More Panera

So today is pretty momentous for me; it is my second to last week working with Panera Bread Company. To date, I have worked there for 5 years, and 3 days short of four months. Needless to say I have spent a significant portion of my life there, and I have done a lot of growing there. Being that it has been my only paying job up until this point in time, I am kinda nervous to move past it. However, I'm more excited than anything because I truly feel ready to immerse myself in a more positive work environment that will enable me to gain training in a field that I want to spend the rest of my life working in.

I feel like graduate school is going to be my big transforming phase. Undergrad definitely set all of this in motion, but being able to see all the changes that I want to embrace come to fruition is very satisfying. I have successfully, moved into my own apartment, been able to pay all my bills on time, secured a new occupation, been admitted to graduate school, and successfully found some sense of peace in my life. Now I just have to make sure that everything stays this way or even gets better, and I will be more than satisfied with life.

Catharsis

I'm currently finding blogging a release from the world. Even though I know that none of you may understand or care what I am talking about, I find a sense of relief in all of this. This is the second time I have blogged today, but I feel I should  do so when things are on my mind. I have some of the greatest friends on the face of this planet. They accept me, even with my harshness. They appreciate my realness. They LOVE me.

I'm happy being able to write all this down to someone who won't complain or be annoyed. I have a lot going on for me right now, and I'm fine with it.

I want to be more at home with my religious beliefs. I want to live a life that I can be proud of. I want to be really confident in what I believe of higher beings. I know that something exists in the cosmos; but what is it? Jesus has the upper hand in my life because that is what I have been raised to believe in. Is it so wrong to want to rectify the beliefs about all forms of higher being? Some days I find myself wanting to find the likenesses in all religions and live by those maxims. If it exists in multiple religions, then it has to be more right? RIGHT?

I think with all my free time and increased finances I will spend a day at Barnes and Noble picking out books to help me revise my thoughts and beliefs in the following categories:

1) Feng Shui
2) Religion
3) Relationships
4) Entertainment ( I need to finish my Agatha Christie series)

I'm really begin to look forward to getting to really find some elements outside school that I am interested in.
Having the time to really delve into all of this is going to allow me to become the funky and humble fashionista with a spunky personality to boot.

I'm kinda excited.

Don't Box Me In

"Dont be monogamous until someone asks you to be monogamous."

I am the queen of breaking this rule. I have generally followed the if I'm talking to you, then I'm ONLY talking to you rule. WHY???  When I was an undergrad I was supper busy and I didn't really make time for more than one guy in my life. I could have, but I didn't place the right amount of importance on it that I should have in order to be taken seriously. Therefore, I fell into this pattern of finding one guy per year (except for the same guy sophomore and junior year) and letting him pretty much control the path our relationship took because I gave him the power. He (whoever he was at the time) was more than likely always involved with another girl (or multiple girls) in some way. I was of the belief that I am talking to one person, then I should just be as serious with that person as possible so that if there was potential for it to become serious I would be ready for that.

This is the root of my relationship woes, along with not knowing exactly what I want, not being able to fully express myself tactfully, not being able to let myself be vulnerable enough to allow myself to rely on a  man in the ways that I need to.

I have always wanted to find the sanctity of a relationship to add to my life. However, at this point in my life, I don't think that I am particularly ready to be in one quite yet. I still have the luxury of being able to decide how I want a relationship to fit into my life because let's be honest I need to figure that part out first. I don't have any kind of routine at this point in my life and I'm trying to throw getting to know someone into that mix. NOT OKAY! I need to stop and take a break. I try so hard to always fit this mold that I think I'm supposed to be in.

I used to think that at 21 I should:
1) Be happily engaged or in a relationship leading to that
2) Have graduate college and be either attending graduate school or getting my first big girl job
3) Have a perfect body, perfect hair, perfect friends
Basically have my s*** figured out and perfected. I don't know what brand of crack I was smoking when I was younger, but there is no way in the world that anyone at 21 has this all figured out.  You would think from all the TV that I have watched that I would realize that it's okay to fail at some things in my twenties (early twenties at that). It's okay to not have everything figured out; I mean Carrie Bradshaw was in her 40s before she got it together.

So essentially, I need to give myself a break. I need to just be okay with where I am. I have the rest of my life to spend pleasing someone in a relationship. I need to work on my relationship with myself first.
Because right now, it's kinda all about me.

A Calm A-Brewing

I need a calm.  I recently discovered a tumblr kept by a girl that I used to work with. In looking at all the pages I find myself newly inspired to achieve peace in my life. This girl seems to have it all; and freely admits that her life isn't perfect but that she finds ways to be happy everyday. She is happily married, has her own business, a home, great family and friends, and wants nothing more than those things. She is completely grateful for all that has happened to her (good or bad) and readily preaches that daily. I tend to spend so much time cataloging things I think are wrong, while ignoring things that are right and go well. Even though it's August, I want to take a chance to make a new year's resolution of sorts (or more appropriately labeled life changes).

1. I will be gracious and grateful for all that I have been given up until this point in my life.
While I'm not exactly sure what beliefs I have about religion and the realm outside of Earth, I do believe in a higher power. I believe that this higher power is the guiding force of fortune and fate; my life is attributed to this force. Without the skills that I have been given, none of what I have accomplished up to now would have been possible, so I want to make sure to express gratitude.

2. I will take the time to find out why I become so angry and stressed, and try to avoid it. 
I spend much of my time in pressure-filled situations and tend to let those situations negatively affect my mood. Very seldom do I ever leave a negative event in the moment; I tend to carry it on with me for as long as I see fit (typically, unhealthily until something else occupies its space in my mind). I always let things bother me way more than they should either because I don't speak my mind to begin with or I worry too much about things that I can't control. I feel the most calm when I know the whys (even if they hurt my feelings).  I will try to be more forward about my feelings so that I am better able to leave things in the past.

3. I will STOP comparing my life to the lives of others.
Comparison is the thief of joy. I spend so much time wanting to have what others have; wanting a relationship, wanting a good paying job, wanting a nicer car, wanting more financial stability, wanting to be more crafty; essentially, wanting to just be different than who I am. I am this way for a reason, I just need to find situations that allow me to exceed.

4. I will EMBRACE being me. 
Not to toot my own horn, but I'm the only person that can be me.  It's a difficult job that many people have told me that they want, and there have been plenty of days when I have wanted to say, "sure go ahead, give me some time off." But...that would not be true to me. I am slowly learning that the beauty of my twenties is to have the time to figure out who I am. I have no children; the only time commitments on my plate are school and my graduate assistantship; I have a great family (annoying as they may be sometime) who support me in ALL that I do; while only a few, I have friends that have stood the test of time; I have the freedom to move about and do as I please; I have no one to be emotionally responsible for. I have all these opportunities to figure out where my passion lies and to really immerse myself in something that matters without feeling selfish with my time. I have to embrace it.

I can't wait to embark upon this journey tomorrow. I am off for the day; I can either go to the pool or watch WKU football players practice with good friends. I will begin keeping a daily list of things that I am grateful for to keep me sane and humble. I will begin keeping a list of things that I want to accomplish or achieve and timelines for those goals. I will spend the day just enjoying life and the fact that I have a good one to live.