Catharsis

I'm currently finding blogging a release from the world. Even though I know that none of you may understand or care what I am talking about, I find a sense of relief in all of this. This is the second time I have blogged today, but I feel I should  do so when things are on my mind. I have some of the greatest friends on the face of this planet. They accept me, even with my harshness. They appreciate my realness. They LOVE me.

I'm happy being able to write all this down to someone who won't complain or be annoyed. I have a lot going on for me right now, and I'm fine with it.

I want to be more at home with my religious beliefs. I want to live a life that I can be proud of. I want to be really confident in what I believe of higher beings. I know that something exists in the cosmos; but what is it? Jesus has the upper hand in my life because that is what I have been raised to believe in. Is it so wrong to want to rectify the beliefs about all forms of higher being? Some days I find myself wanting to find the likenesses in all religions and live by those maxims. If it exists in multiple religions, then it has to be more right? RIGHT?

I think with all my free time and increased finances I will spend a day at Barnes and Noble picking out books to help me revise my thoughts and beliefs in the following categories:

1) Feng Shui
2) Religion
3) Relationships
4) Entertainment ( I need to finish my Agatha Christie series)

I'm really begin to look forward to getting to really find some elements outside school that I am interested in.
Having the time to really delve into all of this is going to allow me to become the funky and humble fashionista with a spunky personality to boot.

I'm kinda excited.

Don't Box Me In

"Dont be monogamous until someone asks you to be monogamous."

I am the queen of breaking this rule. I have generally followed the if I'm talking to you, then I'm ONLY talking to you rule. WHY???  When I was an undergrad I was supper busy and I didn't really make time for more than one guy in my life. I could have, but I didn't place the right amount of importance on it that I should have in order to be taken seriously. Therefore, I fell into this pattern of finding one guy per year (except for the same guy sophomore and junior year) and letting him pretty much control the path our relationship took because I gave him the power. He (whoever he was at the time) was more than likely always involved with another girl (or multiple girls) in some way. I was of the belief that I am talking to one person, then I should just be as serious with that person as possible so that if there was potential for it to become serious I would be ready for that.

This is the root of my relationship woes, along with not knowing exactly what I want, not being able to fully express myself tactfully, not being able to let myself be vulnerable enough to allow myself to rely on a  man in the ways that I need to.

I have always wanted to find the sanctity of a relationship to add to my life. However, at this point in my life, I don't think that I am particularly ready to be in one quite yet. I still have the luxury of being able to decide how I want a relationship to fit into my life because let's be honest I need to figure that part out first. I don't have any kind of routine at this point in my life and I'm trying to throw getting to know someone into that mix. NOT OKAY! I need to stop and take a break. I try so hard to always fit this mold that I think I'm supposed to be in.

I used to think that at 21 I should:
1) Be happily engaged or in a relationship leading to that
2) Have graduate college and be either attending graduate school or getting my first big girl job
3) Have a perfect body, perfect hair, perfect friends
Basically have my s*** figured out and perfected. I don't know what brand of crack I was smoking when I was younger, but there is no way in the world that anyone at 21 has this all figured out.  You would think from all the TV that I have watched that I would realize that it's okay to fail at some things in my twenties (early twenties at that). It's okay to not have everything figured out; I mean Carrie Bradshaw was in her 40s before she got it together.

So essentially, I need to give myself a break. I need to just be okay with where I am. I have the rest of my life to spend pleasing someone in a relationship. I need to work on my relationship with myself first.
Because right now, it's kinda all about me.

A Calm A-Brewing

I need a calm.  I recently discovered a tumblr kept by a girl that I used to work with. In looking at all the pages I find myself newly inspired to achieve peace in my life. This girl seems to have it all; and freely admits that her life isn't perfect but that she finds ways to be happy everyday. She is happily married, has her own business, a home, great family and friends, and wants nothing more than those things. She is completely grateful for all that has happened to her (good or bad) and readily preaches that daily. I tend to spend so much time cataloging things I think are wrong, while ignoring things that are right and go well. Even though it's August, I want to take a chance to make a new year's resolution of sorts (or more appropriately labeled life changes).

1. I will be gracious and grateful for all that I have been given up until this point in my life.
While I'm not exactly sure what beliefs I have about religion and the realm outside of Earth, I do believe in a higher power. I believe that this higher power is the guiding force of fortune and fate; my life is attributed to this force. Without the skills that I have been given, none of what I have accomplished up to now would have been possible, so I want to make sure to express gratitude.

2. I will take the time to find out why I become so angry and stressed, and try to avoid it. 
I spend much of my time in pressure-filled situations and tend to let those situations negatively affect my mood. Very seldom do I ever leave a negative event in the moment; I tend to carry it on with me for as long as I see fit (typically, unhealthily until something else occupies its space in my mind). I always let things bother me way more than they should either because I don't speak my mind to begin with or I worry too much about things that I can't control. I feel the most calm when I know the whys (even if they hurt my feelings).  I will try to be more forward about my feelings so that I am better able to leave things in the past.

3. I will STOP comparing my life to the lives of others.
Comparison is the thief of joy. I spend so much time wanting to have what others have; wanting a relationship, wanting a good paying job, wanting a nicer car, wanting more financial stability, wanting to be more crafty; essentially, wanting to just be different than who I am. I am this way for a reason, I just need to find situations that allow me to exceed.

4. I will EMBRACE being me. 
Not to toot my own horn, but I'm the only person that can be me.  It's a difficult job that many people have told me that they want, and there have been plenty of days when I have wanted to say, "sure go ahead, give me some time off." But...that would not be true to me. I am slowly learning that the beauty of my twenties is to have the time to figure out who I am. I have no children; the only time commitments on my plate are school and my graduate assistantship; I have a great family (annoying as they may be sometime) who support me in ALL that I do; while only a few, I have friends that have stood the test of time; I have the freedom to move about and do as I please; I have no one to be emotionally responsible for. I have all these opportunities to figure out where my passion lies and to really immerse myself in something that matters without feeling selfish with my time. I have to embrace it.

I can't wait to embark upon this journey tomorrow. I am off for the day; I can either go to the pool or watch WKU football players practice with good friends. I will begin keeping a daily list of things that I am grateful for to keep me sane and humble. I will begin keeping a list of things that I want to accomplish or achieve and timelines for those goals. I will spend the day just enjoying life and the fact that I have a good one to live.

I Am My Hair

I am not happy with my hair. When I was a young pup (way back in 2000) I had beautiful, long hair that was great to work with it. I always got compliments on it, and very often was asked if it was even real. My senior year of high school, I decided that I wanted to cut my hair because it wasn't healthy and was becoming difficult to take care of. About a year ago, I began to regret that decision and my decisions thus far with not having taken as good of care of it as I should have up until this point.  It only took me five years to grow long hair when I was younger, and I know that the case could be the same now if only I could really get into taking care of it the way that I should. My physical appearance (while not unsatisfactory to others in any way) has now become the focus of my disgruntled state. On top of having short hair that I'm still not used to, I have tons of scars that I can't seem to stop picking at resulting in gross marks being left all over my body for people to find. If only I could attack my physical appearance the same way that I attack school, then I would be satisfied in that area.
Essentially, after doing some research I have found that black hair care is a science. It's going to be an intense process to make it better than what it currently is, but I know that if I can stick to it I'll be happier. Patience is a virtue. God is testing my patience so much with waiting for that all around happiness with myself that I have been seeking. I know it will come, it's just super hard to wait on.

Insomnia Is My Best Friend

So I find that in the wee hours of the morning/night I tend to start thinking a lot about my life and all the things that have happened and that I want to happen. My mom constantly tells me that by putting out things into the environment that you are in, you are sure to reap those vibes. So I have decided to take her up on this idea and post a few dreams of mine that I want 2012 to bring me (and preferably before Dec.22 since we are all supposed to die),

1) I want to be HAPPY with my internship with the Honors College.
There have been so many twists and turns on my path to now since I decided to forgo pursuing a psychology degree post-undergrad and change my focus to Student Affairs. I originally wanted to spend this next year of my life traveling the country helping different Alpha Gam chapters as a Leadership Consultant. However, that dream was crushed when they told me I appeared to be an overprepared robot who seemed unpersonable and unrelatable. Then I thought that I would apply to graduate school at WKU, Memphis, and FIU with a graduate assistant position in the Student Activities Office. Sadly, this was not the path I was supposed to take either because I didn't have enough experience as an undergrad to qualify me over another for the position (let's just say he had to be pretty amazing if that's the real reason). Now, after some confusion with the GA position I have now, I think that ultimately this worked out the best for me. Not only will I be working in a department that functions much better than our Student Activities Office, but I'll be working with new people.  I just hope that I love the work that I end up doing and the people that I will be working with.  I really just want to feel included and at home there.

2) I want to be HAPPY with my love life.
I know that this is the part of my life where I'm the most impatient because I want it the most. I want to just have the comfort of being with someone who will be in a relationship with me in order to better himself and me simultaneously. In constantly analyzing my failed attempts at relationships I realize that I have always gone after or been approached by the wrong types of guys (those who are not ready to settle down). The smooth talkers, the nice dressers, the guys who you would love to bring home to your parents because they have impressive resumes. However, Carrie Bradshaw put it best when she said a "good on paper guy" does not translate to good in real life. I wish that I could convince myself to either just have fun being single or to like one of the guys that I know like me because I know that they would treat me well. This is quite possibly the area of my life that I feel needs the most work. In a perfect world, I would end up with someone who just wants what's best for and wants to be a part of that. I would be able to give so much in a relationship and there are seldom times when I find those willing to do the same for me (especially males). I have instances of such with some people, but I don't want to settle for instances. I want that feeling of ease and contentment ALL the time.

3) I want to be financially stable.
This is the area of my life that is the most in my control. I could have achieved this had I been smart and listened to my mom when she told me to start saving a portion of my paychecks each week. It has never really affected me until my recent foray into the world of adulthood, involving the paying of multiple bills each month. I know that my time to reach stability is coming, but again my impatience is getting the better of me. (mostly I want a new wardrobe because my current stuff is getting old :/)

4) I want to be able to have a nice routine to my life.
Not having a routine is killing me. I'm not used to it.  This summer more than others has definitely imprinted my adultness onto my brain and being and I'm feeling every bit of it all the time. I am feeling tired and stressed from being overworked, underpaid, exhausted, and frustrated. My body can't handle the way that I treat it ( I say this as I am typing other than sleeping). I want to be able to sleep fully through the night without alcohol and say that I got the rest I needed to be productive.

All in all I just want to feel better about my life in general while still being thankful for what I have and trying my best to make the most of it.

Insomnia is now losing...

Addictions.

So today I have discovered that I have a terrible addiction; to being overly critical of myself. I constantly find myself comparing the happenings in my life to what I see of the lives of others. I always feel the need to be more and do more than what I have done already. I feel like I need to become more worldly ( I have never been to a foreign country), I need to be more patient, I need to have a life outside school, I need to have a big girl job outside the realm of school, I need to be financially secure for more than a month at a time, I need to be able to support myself in a way that I am comfortable with, I need to better maintain my friendships;  in essence get my stuff together. However, as I was talking with my mom about all of this, I realized that all of this is in my head; NO ONE sees me the same way that I see myself. I know that it is important to want more for yourself and be able to plan how to achieve that level of satisfaction, but when does that turn into paranoia about not being good enough.

I think that a lot of my critical nature comes from being teased as a child. People always questioned why I was so openly intelligent, why I chose to do well in school, why I didn't wear ethnicity appropriate clothing or hang out with those of my own race as opposed to those of other races. I was basically belittled to a point that I felt like I had to prove something to all those people and to myself as well. I don't think that I ever really let any of that go, and so it still travels with me.

I do wonder why people choose to be my friend sometime, and what people see in me that makes them want to get to know me. I don't think that I am a bad friend, but I don't think that I am the best friend that I can be. I just wonder what makes people want to be around me constantly outside boredom or loneliness.  I also wonder why I choose to be alone much of the time. I don't feel that I am the type of person who thrives on being around people, so I just don't understand why that quality attracts people.  I think I can be really fun sometimes, but I can also be really mean and I think that some people just accept that in me (thankfully).

It is in the times that I have too much time to think that I begin to feel this insecure. I need to start keeping a mental note of times when I start to feel like this so that I can try to avoid those situations. I need to be happy with what I have as opposed to concerned with the lives of others. Even though I know this, I do it anyway. I'm ready to find myself and settle into a life that while still spontaneous has some routine to it. I like having the freedom to do as I please, but sometimes I just need something different.

Ready for Change

I feel that my life is stagnant currently. This routine that I have developed is sickening, and I want to encourage change. I need to feng shui my life. The new apartment was a great beginning to that, and now I think that I just have to embrace the patience that will be required before serious change occurs in my life.

 In general I want to be happy, not all day everyday (but EVERY day). I know that much of that is based on my attitude and perceptions, but I just feel that a huge part of that will be enjoying the environments that I place myself in. 

In a perfect world I want to be able to maintain the sanctity of my home ( as corny as that sounds). When I was living the dorm life I pretty much had an open door policy; if I was there, then I didn't mind seeing people or hanging out. At the time, I liked to believe that just having random visitors was good for me because it would force me to be more spontaneous and would help to cheer my up on days when I was feeling less than great. That is not the case anymore.  Even though I did enjoy that at the time, there were plenty of times when I felt paranoid about the level of privacy that I was able to experience. Not to mention I continuously thought about all the time spent in that one when considering my failed relationship efforts.

Now I am of the mindset that I don't want people to be around me when I am home because I feel that I can relax here, which I did not always feel that I could do in the dorm.  I just want to make sure that I am able to keep that feeling more often than not. I don't want to just have random people over all the time because I like the feel of my apartment. Knowing that I can come home and just veg out is very very comforting, and I don't want to ruin my ability to experience calm here by playing host to a variety of people constantly.

I'm honestly more worried about how I'm going to feel after hosting my ex-flame here. Every fiber of my being is telling me that it will be a bad idea; nothing good can come of it. But a tiny part of me is thinking that hey, maybe it will work out and he will magically want a relationship (more than likely not, let's be serious). I don't understand how I can be sooooo ridiculously optimistic (borderline unrealistic) about my expectations for relationships, but approach every other part of my life with an overdose of healthy skepticism and pragmatism. He makes me just so darn happy, that I don't want to reject myself that feeling because who knows when the next time that I feel that way will be. Is it so wrong to want to just enjoy myself for one night:? No, but I need to maintain the mindset that I should have; mantra stating "no matter how good this may be, it's not real."

I think about him a lot, and I just feel like until I get this last meeting out of the way that there will be no closure. It's gonna be some time before I can forget about everything that happened. I wish sometimes that I could forget those parts of my life, just to be able to really enjoy myself for one day. I want someone that makes me forget about all of them.
Oh well, such is life.